June 13, 2003

living a perfect life

don't forget to win first place.
don't forget to keep that smile on your face.
be a good girl.
try a little harder.
that simply wasn't good enough.
to make us proud.
- alanis morrisette, "perfect"

yes, life is going my way.

for one, i just came from a boracay weekend. my family's great, as in great, as in the type, "i never knew it could be that great"- great. it's crazy, and my cousin got married and she looked happy, and it's just plain crazy, everything.

for another, there's the inquirer scholarship - and it's driving me nuts, what with the unexpected surge of happy-happy-happy-EVERYTHING, i don't know where to put the overflow. there were ten, then there were six, and now there're four, and up to this very moment, i still couldn't believe i made it to the list of the chosen ten, in the first place. maybe i'm just lucky. most likely.

i'm doing fine. my lungs didn't flunk the exam, but i quit nevertheless. it's hard, i tripped last monday with three, but i know it's all part of the whole trying-to-get-it-out-of-my-system process, and i'm more than willing to start over. *sigh* i miss them, those little... killers, yeah, i know.

anyway, i'm doing eighteen units this semester, my schedule allows me to go home and watch season six buffy re-runs over at Star World on thursday evenings.

i should be happy. i should be happy i have blessings to count. family, future career, academics, and a decent enough mind, considering that i've *finally* taken the whole quitting ish rather more seriously this time...

the bottom line is, i *should* be happy.

but... but there's this nagging feeling inside me... that scares me. it's funny, you know, being scared deep inside, but having to project the whole "OKAY, i'm SOOOO damn HAPPY now" look. it's funny, and it's difficult.

i'm scared, cause life is taking me higher and higher and i don't know if i could take going down. it's scaring me. i'm scared of not being able to take rejection, after this, after everything, after all these positive, happy things life is offering me, now i'm not quite sure...

i'm not quite sure if i could take pain anymore.

and that sucks. because i know the nature of life is pain, and that if there's something i should be getting used to, it's rejection, and cold shoulders, and snobbish salesladies, and...

you know what i mean. the crap that life really is.

but instead, life hands me an ice cream cone. with marshmallows. and... and i sorta hate it for being this... soft on me. i feel like i deserve to be... punished, or something.

i feel like i don't deserve all this, because i feel i should've done something... extraordinary. something more special, because i am under this impression that this is something one works hard for.

i feel like i should bleed first, or, or get bruises, or something.

i expected pain, and i didn't get it, but i got the other end of the deal, and now i just feel like... like i cheated the others, you know? i feel like they worked harder than i did, that they deserved this more than i do, and it's all just...

i sound like an ingrate. so sorry, but right now, i guess i'm just really worried of losing what i have now. it sounds selfish, i know.

but it scares me. everywhere i look, there are a thousand pairs of eyes, twinkling "congratulations" at my direction, and there are hands that want to shake mine, it's unbelievable - i mean, who woulda thunk? hands wanting to shake mine? and then, there are phone calls from relatives in provinces and overseas, and they're like, "oh my god, you're so... there now." there, as in, there, like somewhere else.

somewhere out of reach.

it's all so overwhelming, those reactions. it's overwhelming, the whole situation. and it's getting scarier and scarier by the minute.

there are so many people looking, i don't know where to put myself, i want to... disappear.

the people in iloilo. the people in leyte. an aunt in los angeles (who promised me she'd rush back here if i graduate summa cum laude - christ?). friends. ex-teachers. heck, probably, pitch in my ex-friends.

they're all looking, and they're thinking, "ten years from now, this kid's going to be on CNN" or something.

and i could just smile. and shake their hands back. how i wish i could tell them how un-simple the whole situation is. it's not that freaking simple. if only it were, right? then everybody would be happy.

everybody would be living perfect lives.

maybe i quit the habit in an effort to remove the last glitch in my system. perhaps. (but then again, there are still glitches i couldn't take care of, eh?)

they look at me and think, oh god, she's having it easy. and very soon, it's all going to be perfect. for her.

perfect. for me.

it's not that simple. if only it were, then maybe i'd be *happy*...