July 6, 2003

old

dad bought me a new computer. desktop, 30gigs, 256mb ddram, GEforce blahblah (never quite understood that one), dvd-cdR combo, all in all, quite nice. after all, my seven-year-old MMX desktop badly needs the break. uh-huh.

old. everything just gets old. and seven years from now, i could see myself whining - this one would be old by then, definitely.

my dad says i better take care of myself, my health - meaning i should cut down on the meat already, and stuff. i eat too much, i know, though he never says it out loud. yeah, right, that's my dad. he says sooner or later, all that cholesterol would bring me down, eventually.

when i get old.

inside, i just laugh. getting old isn't exactly a part of my life plan. really now. no getting old, no getting married, no kids - just me, my family as it is now, my sister's potential family, my brother's potential family... theirs but not mine, well, not entirely... i have just enough to belong, right now. just enough.

and i don't intend to get old. i intend to just live long enough to be able to repay debts. and finish off all my business. tell my secrets, all of them. spill myself, enjoy. pleasure, pleasure, yes, it all boils down to one thing - pleasure.

and when i've had enough, i think... i think i'd just die. simple, isn't it?

==

i caught my six-year-old brother tinkering with his playstation a couple of days back, and i couldn't help but tell him how busy he always seemed nowadays. i never really stayed around that much myself, either, but damnit, i'm eighteen and in college, while he's six and in grade one. he can't be that busy.

i told him, "you know, you're always busy." he looks at me, weirded out, or okay, half. i continued, "what did i do when i was six? the computer wasn't there yet, the playstation was nowhere in sight, cable was unheard of, and... and we had to go out of the house to amuse ourselves. that was me - and krista (sister) and mark (cousin) - at six, and you're--"

i stopped, catching myself. good lord, what was i saying? this was a familiar speech.

my brother looked up at me, waiting for my next words.

there were none as i realized... damn, i *was* getting old...

==

it's funny, you know. i make the joke, but wylo almost always gets the punchline and throws it back right at my face.