Aug. 08, 2003 / 2:37am

awake

Woke up an hour ago, after deciding to sleep first before resuming my journ work. Inadvertently even, I had forgotten that I was still in a text conversation with her.

Anyway. It's all weird, but fine. Julie's saying we should take it slow. Take WHAT slow? What are we doing anyway?

Julie was insisting this just *wasn't* maintaining the status quo, per se. oh well.

The rain's pouring like hell. Normally, I would've been at home - as in *home*. I usually go home on Thursday nights, you know. but I'm not going home this week.

I'm still sick, just so everybody knows. And my backpacks's just the weirdest mix - with facial tissues, mucoflux and decolgen tabs and a pack of cigarettes randomly scattered in one pocket. Yes, weird, of course.

Oh yeah. Today I turn two years old, smoker wise. Here's to two years of smoking. Tsk.

I'm re-reading chapters 15 to 17 of Gracia Burnham's "In thePresence of my Enemies" - it's for my Quali exam this Saturday for ComRes101. oh well. I sure hope I get this part okay.

Anyway. She was wearing that damned pretty skirt this morning. (Or technically, *yesterday*) Told her I adored it. Lol.

I had forgotten to write about the whole cellphone ish I got messed up in Wednesday. Apparently, a friend of mine got hold of m y phone. A friend of mine who *doesn't* know a thing about the recent developments.

I mean, sure, Almi and I are close, but I just didn't know how to tell her... you know. the ish. I don't know. I just felt a little uncomfortable telling her. That's all.

And then she got hold of my phone - the most incriminating piece of equipment I have in my possession, what with keeping bits and pieces of *our* previous conversations there. I had developed a habit of saving rather confusing messages for "future study" - damn my dorky tendencies, yeah.

I did not hang around as she read the messages - I did not want the situation to explode right in front of me.

And then Almi goes all guilt-trip mode, and I have to admit it kinda hurt.

I tried to explain how complicated it was. Almi and *her* were good friends, they really were, and I knew I would be putting somebody else in trouble if I said anything.

So I texted her first and told her about the situation at hand.

Her reaction was one for Kodak, it really was. She was like, "Pakshet! Patay! Diskartehan mo yan."

In English, milder, deleting expletives: "What?! Oh no. Do something about that..."

I was like - do something about that? How the fuck...?

I didn't tell Almi anything. I didn't know what to tell her.

That afternoon, hours after the incident, she and I met in mass comm and she was obviously haggard like hell, so I decided to just keep the whole thing mellow.

I was with Cleng and Pima, telling the usual jokes and stuff, when she came. She sat across me, beside Pima, then asked, in the most unassuming tone possible - "Asan si Almi?" ("Where's Almi?")

I said I didn't know.

"Anong sabi mo?" ("What did you tell her?")

I said I didn't tell her anything.

She went upstairs again to attend the student council meeting - which Almi also attended.

Then she texted, saying how we should tell her, how she deserved the truth because she was a friend and all, and that she'd understand anyway. She was insisting that we should go explain together, if circumstances really call for it.

I was like... together? Explain? What? What do we have to tell her? What do we have to explain? (Emphasis on the *we's* of those statements)

Do we have to explain anything? Are we in hiding? If yes, why? What are we hiding?

As of the moment, Almi and I have ironed things out. I had already explained to her my reasons for holding back, and after the other one's go signal, I can now tell her what she wants to know.

Now Almi's telling me there's no pressure. In due time, she says, and that she understands. She'd said something about not knowing me anymore. And that hurts, because she's a really close friend, and you know how I'm all protective of close friends. It's just that... I just didn't know how to tell her. It's a personal judgement call of some sort.

I will keep *her* out of this, know what I'm saying? If I could admit things to Almi in such a way that I wouldn't have to drag *her* in it, I would. But then, she herself admitted that would be very hard to do. But I have to try, you know?

Last. She said something about dropping hints in the council meeting last Wednesday. She said there was an open forum about personal issues and lovelife, and she kinda dropped the "I'm confused"-hint.

Confusion. That's all I'm holding onto right now, confusion. That's all I am, confusion. I do not want to complicate her life, but I seem to be doing it rather effortlessly. Agh.