Aug. 10, 2003 / 8:34pm

and the answer is not no

I was telling ice yesterday afternoon the whole story of the week - including the conversation after the Tuesday night movie, "So Close" - the one which went with the line, "What is the true nature of your feelings for me?"

And then, I explained to ice how I'd told *her* it was all about attraction. "At the back of my head, I was thinking, 'Are you asking me if I loved you?' " I told ice.

And then I clarified, "Even if she had asked me directly, I would not have known what to answer."

And ice's reaction was classic: "Oh my god, the answer isn't no."

No, it isn't. But that doesn't make it a yes. Not just yet.

I don't wish to think about love right now, you see. I'd decided upon this a long time ago. it doesn't have to be about love. this time could it not be just plain goddamned attraction?

But what ice said just struck me: "The answer isn't no."

Well, it isn't. I have feelings for her, and right now, I just don't know what they are. So okay, I am confused, and the way everybody wants me to THINK about this is just confusing me more.

Can I stop thinking now? Can everybody just stop telling me what to do? Can everybody just stop thinking I'm hurting because I'm not, well not as badly as before, because believe it or not, I THINK I'm actually HAPPY.