Nov. 20, 2003 / 11:41pm

I stopped crying

I wrote her a letter. She gave me one yesterday, and really, it's such a shame I came up with a reply only now.

And yeah, I stopped crying. I finally did. I finally realized I had nothing, absolutely no issue to cry over, that she's not leaving me anyway, and that, you know, this set-up is indeed for the best.

In sixteen minutes, it would be november 21, and I remember, had we not broken up, it would have marked two months for us, but yeah, I guess, this was not meant to be anywhere near long-term anyway.

And yeah, I decided to stop hurting.

I was skimming a while ago through a book my roommate had borrowed – it's josh harris' "boy meets girl". and yeah, I guess, it's not really one of those books I could readily relate to right now, but I had a hilarious time reading through it…

Somewhere in its pages, I read something which went like, "Why waste time in short-term relationships that wouldn't end up in marriage anyway?"

Well, analyzing the context of the relationship I just came from… I don't know, I wouldn't exactly call it a waste of time, you know?

What's the point of spending time in a relationship you know wouldn't end up in marriage in the first place, if that's what everything is all about anyway?

Plenty.

Looking back, I learned a lot of things. about her. about myself. I realized a lot of things, I learned a lot, from loving myself, to loving others without expecting anything in return. I learned how to be patient, how to understand, how to cope with other people's mood swings and emotional outbursts… and in the end, how to accept things even if they don't turn out the way you want them.

Maybe there is someone out there for me, somebody who's marriage material – not that I am expecting myself to get married, you know? I still believe, after everything, that I'm not much of a marriage-material kind of girl, but I guess 'maybe' wouldn't hurt, right?

And now I learned to accept some things, like how it couldn't be her, you know, and I couldn't be what I want to be to her. I think I'm kinda coming to better terms with this realization. And it feels good, it does.

This is called acceptance. And it's good.