Mar. 24, 2004

i stopped thinking

sometime during that two-month stint without you, i really thought i could get over. as in *really* thought - really believed, as if getting over was something so definite, something which could be held, touched, claimed, kept in my computer table drawer, that sort.

i thought getting over really existed. until i stopped thinking.

it was sad, you know. the whole i-was-thinking-facade. it was sad, it was sad because whenever i thought, you weren't there - whenever i exercised the few brain neurons i had then, i managed to successfully wipe you out of my life. and it was sad that way, you know.

(and you say you're sorry by putting a hand on my chest, so lightly, muttering the words over and over - sorry, sorry, sorry - but sorry doesn't quite make things any different anymore, you know? you're here now, and i don't know why you're here, i don't know, but i don't want you to go either)

i said there was a gap, and it was a gap i made myself, and i tried filling it in with so many things (then you said, that was why i was out most of the time, january - which was true) - but then again, two months, short time.

and i missed you, you know.

you didn't seem like you had a hard time yourself - mighty busy, haven't we been, both on 21... or were you on 18? you were on 18, your department never approved a 21, i just remembered.

nahirapan ka rin ba? - which was the winner question of the day, the noon, the afternoon, the night - hands and fingers and hair and skin and sweat scattered in between the babble and the random and the words which seldom found their way into the casual conversations and random meetings along the corridors - all of which never last for more than two minutes.

apology after apology - i didn't mean any harm, i just wanted to escape from this melodrama whole. it sucked. i want to be with you and you want to be with me but we can't be fucken together, and i really don't want to go over this conversation all over again 'cause i've heard it for a million times now, okay.

i'm fucken over you.

can we just stop thinking for a while? just a few minutes more.