July 1, 2005

it's just an i'm-employed-kind of nightmare

maybe soon i'll wake up from it -- say, in 25 years

sometimes, i still kind of half-expect myself to wake up one day and find myself back to my 18-unit schedule as a senior journalism student in UP. as if this were all just part of an elaborate i'm-employed-kind of nightmare: where i leave the house at 9 a.m. and go home twelve hours after, that sort.

but then, it's been... 35 mornings, and i haven't woken up just yet. sure feels like the nightmare's going to last much longer.

so this is how it feels to have your life somewhat stolen from you, only to catch up with it on sundays. so this is how it feels to fill it with problems of everybody else, from the president down, just because there isn't anything much else. all work and emptiness on an 11 to 7 shift. and the sad thing about it is that there isn't much of an option: what would you rather do? this is all there is.

they say, you only live the life you choose to live. i say i've been bullied into making a lot of pseudo-choices: those that i had no other "option" but to choose. irony is, huh?

feels a lot like being cheated, actually. i think this life owes me an apology: i am sorry, the past 16 years have been a joke. because all my life, this was the end: employment. this was what everything else added up to.

now life rewards my 16 years of perseverance with 48-hour-plusplus work weeks and sundays off. sure feels like being punished for being a good student.

at this point in time, i don't blame other people so much anymore for being lured into finding happiness in material things. work is responsive that way: i'm quite lucky it gives back just as much as i do, or even more. that doesn't happen much in real life. the pay is very tangible - and the results, even moreso. for a current situation that virtually deprives me of establishing new relationships, i mean, what to turn to right? i'm going to buy myself a new iPod once i get enough.

at least that's attainable.

* * *

this should actually hurt, but i mean it this time. i want you to feel how it's like to stare at the back of somebody who has finally finally found it in herself to walk away.

and i hope it hurts real bad.