July 25, 2005


alone-ness not really a very good idea right now

i planned so many things to do today, like finishing cy's design (sorry) and doing a re-design for this, and all that jazz, but yeah, life sucks. so i decided, after finally taking a bath around 4 p.m. and cleaning the room, taking out the trash, etc etc... to just go over at edz' for a good round of girl-friend-ly re-con over a couple of cigarette packs and tissue and tv. never felt so disposed, really. no use sulking in my room, alone, crying my guts out every ten seconds. guess i'm just not used to being broken and stuff, even if i really am.

(back of my head: there was a huge boo-boo in today's metro page and i'm likely to be blamed for the "lapse in judgment" which was not entirely mine, but hey, that's what EAs are for, i guess. the blame. oh well. i take it and grin and promise to go the extra mile from now on since some people have every tendency to overlook things.)

i had said if things went well i would finally agree to discuss the present (non)situation with teh_ex face-to-face, and yes, i finally did. after one month of not seeing each other and refusing unnecessary physical contact, i finally agreed to see her last night. sparks all over, yes, but highly beside the point.

just that, i've never felt so... well-defined in the two years that we've been going out (oh. yeah. july23 marked two whole years of coming out to her, etc etc so yeah, i'm soooo with the symbolic dates, shoot me)

until today.

i finally realize, (god, it took me this fucken long) after finding out about the situation that was teh_ex being now happily boyfriended and all:

all i could ever be right now is... (dyaraaaan) the mythical ex-girlfriend*.

i'm like, what the fuck. we are still in love. people in love deserve to be together. right? (oh god i'd hate this entry in the morning)

but yeah, we're not, so she's going out with this really nice guy, and i'm like, there's no way on this fucken earth (i'm cursing way too often, i'm asking for your indulgence?) that i will still hang around this picture because it's not really, you know, ethical? though i recognize that i wasn't accorded the same respect when she started seeing him despite still being with me toward the end of last semester, but still. aside from swearing that i will no longer be her last resort, i am also swearing i will not be some desperate ex-girlfriend running after a now-committed former lover (who incidentally didn't take too long a time thinking of replacing me) and actually being an accessory to cheating.

because i hate cheaters, and the feeling of always running parallel to somebody else. i know the feeling all too well, it was a risk i took when i decided to pursue the relationship despite the fact that i knew, right from the start, that she's in (perpetual) denial.

i guess it's just difficult to accept, no? how two people of the same sex can feel this strongly about each other?

i soooo deserve better. why didn't the powers-that-be just give me an agreeable partner for a first relationship, anyway? they just had to give me this... stubborn straight girl who's in perpetual denial of things.

and we were happy, you know? she said it herself. agh. and we're in love! i resolve not to think about it all too often, it's killing me.

so yeah. we decided we should try harder. one month was not enough. maybe, five? december, yeah, at least for christmas. and this made me cry, you know? thinking this could be a possibility, for me to turn my head, and look at the calendar and quietly say to myself, tomorrow it would be five months of not seeing her, not being with her, not feeling *this*. of just waking up and looking forward to nothing but just sleeping again that night. patheticity -- and if that isn't a word just yet, i'd like to patent it.

and so i cried, and i said i would try harder myself, that i would try removing calls and text messages entirely (suuuure...) as well. this killed her, actually. we spent a good five minutes mourning our fate, these drastic measures. it was so difficult, i had to cry for ten minutes more after she left.

but really, the killer line was: we'll get this right in the next lifetime.

that i am in fact surrendering this situation to reincarnation, really -- just when i thought i couldn't go any lower, i think i just did.

*and she actually agreed to this.