Dec. 13, 2005

she said to me once, "maybe we'll still be together now, had he not come around."

"nah," i just said, lighting a cigarette on the other end of the line. "you're too heterosexual for this."

there's a long-ish pause; i wondered briefly if she had hung up. she hadn't. "maybe we'll still be together. while i continue looking for someone else."

there's a dry laugh in my throat and i had to force it out of myself along with the smoke. "what a sordid place to be in," i just said. yeah, sordid barely begins to describe it.

moments after we put down the phone, i found myself crying over the words, what a sordid place to be in. not really because it was a harsh thing to say -- but more like, because it was true.

and, knowing myself -- likely.

* * *

tabula rasa, tabula rasa. a new day deserves a new, clean slate.