Nov. 11, 2006

nine years

it would be interesting to note that tomorrow would be my mother's ninth death anniversary. and if anybody would even ask how i am, i'd just say i'm okay.

there's a certain ambivalence to the word "okay", my friend caloy said to me once, some random conversation. people say it's okay, when it never is -- you just kind of get used to it.

during the first few days after my mother died in 1997, i used to justify my mother's absence by telling myself she's just out on an extended business trip. i was twelve, and yes, i was old enough to know it wasn't true -- my mother was dead and being dead wasn't tantamount to being on an "extended business trip" of any sort.

but really, i didn't need to be reminded of that every single day -- when there are school forms to fill that need a parent's signature on it, whenever a parent-teacher conference came up, whenever my sister competed in out-of-school math bees. sure, at first it was harder than i could ever express in words.

but then as i've said before, it gets better anyway.

so yeah, right now, it's just interesting to note it's been that long. i guess, looking back and seeing how far i've come, i just have to say i did not fare that bad at all.