Dec 18, 2006

invasion of personal space

ďAt the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, itís usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once weíve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.Ē
-meredith, season 3 ep 10, ďdonít stand so close to meĒ

curiously, jaycee, ice and i were talking about attachment, commitment, affection and all affiliate emotions and statuses (hehe) a few nights ago when i met them for christmas gifts and SLR cameras (ehem ó and iím sorry the pictures are taking a while, ala akong mapagtatransferan via infra right now), so naturally, when i heard this in the latest installment of greyís anatomy this morning, i couldnít help but think, iíve chosen, and iím glad. (well, mostly. hehe.)

seriously. as a child iíve been taught to respect personal space; i didnít even sleep in my parentsí bedroom, as most kids i knew back then did until theyíre eight or older. i slept mostly with my aunts (which is precisely why i loff auntie and remember fondly how her night cream called san-ing smelled like) or with our yayas.

i actually donít remember why i didnít sleep in the masters bedroom that often when i was younger; i just remember i didnít. which is curious, considering how today, whenever my sister and i go back home to that cavite house, weíre all lumped together in the masterís bedroom, all five of us. heh. odd how life kind of reverts back to how itís supposed to be, every now and then, barring all modifications we impose upon it ó school, work, jowa, etc. wala lang. curious lang.

so anyway. most of you donít probably know my mother; sometimes i feel like sheíd mentored me more than sheíd mothered me; sometimes i feel like she was one of my first, finest teachers, and that my real mother had been really auntie to begin with (despite the fact weíre only 18 years apart).

itís very hard not to remember my mother whenever i watch greyís anatomy, where meredithís mom, ellis, used to be a renowned surgeon before succumbing to alzheimerís. thereís something about their constipated ways of showing affection that kind of reminds me a lot of how i grew up in a very non-touchy household, and i find it hard not to think, maybe this is how we would have been, my mother and i, had she lived. she and ellis were the same in a way that theyíre both workaholic over-achievers that have this hard exterior, that kind. and for a while ó at least when i was young ó i had sort of groomed myself to think i was going to grow up that way.

of course, this all changed because she suddenly died, and i was left to look for another role model altogether to pattern future behavior from, the impressionable thirteen-year-old that i was. which was probably why high school was more difficult and heavy than it actually should have been. i think.

and then of course, college happened, and well, can you actually imagine me now being un-cuddly and distant and cristina yang? because thatís how iíd initially foreseen myself to be. (of course, plus points for my greyís anatomy reference haha) if youíre a blockmate and you still remember how i was on that first day with the tissues and everything? that was the original plan. (of course, it wasnít as brilliant as improvising with you guys hehe.)

and of course, thereís falling in love and practically having to learn how to be cute and cuddly and thoughtful and affectionate and.

and of course thereís hurting other people along the way. and getting hurt by other people. and hurting even if other people are not really doing anything.

sabi ko nga sa former teammate kong si jani, whom i met after five years of not seeing each other last saturday during the team bene reunion: itís amazing how our worlds have grown, how before it was just a question of which section this other person was from to pinpoint where exactly youíve met; and now, you have these categories: sa bene ka ba? grade school? high school? or wait, college? which subject? what sem? org? ajss? work? some random gimmick? friend of which friend?

itís amazing how our world expands by the minute, but how, at the end of the day, thereís still the empty room to retreat to. sometimes, itís comforting; sometimes, itís just plain lonely. but really, more often than not, itís a choice.

because in the end, no matter how many people we know, it all boils down to who you choose to keep. lifeís too short and affection, no matter how beautiful it feels, entails a huge amount of emotional investment that i now know better than try to disburse to the rest of the world (which is kind of amazing, donít you think, and iíd like to give it a try when iím strong enough but that is an entirely different entry) Ė but seriously. itís a choice. the friends you keep, the people you choose to love (and keep on loving), the people you stay with, the people you stand up for no matter what. itís a choice.

in one of the final scenes of the episode, meredith defends cristina from everybody, and cristinaís like, trying so hard to be cold-bitch-self, ďWhy wonít you mind your own business?Ē why did meredith have to keep on defending her? and meredith just says, ďYouíre my sister, youíre my family. Youíre all Iíve got.Ē

the feeling resonates so loud and clear that i tear up.