alternatively, reasons why we never ‘gay’ with friends.
“The thing about plans is they don’t take into account the unexpected, so when we’re thrown a curve ball, whether its in the O.R. or in life, we have to improvise. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to plan B, and make the best of it. And sometimes what we want is exactly what we need. But sometimes, sometimes what we need is a new plan.”
-meredith, grey’s anatomy, s3.19
(heavy spoilage for latest grey’s, first three seasons of the l word, a little of buffy, and everything else.)
it was a valid question actually, now that it comes down to it. is this whole not-hooking-up-with-people-in-the-immediate-vicinity thing endorsed by some kind of worldwide body? i’m pretty sure there isn’t a code of ethics which identifies what you can and cannot do with friends (same and opposite, covering all possible permutations and orientations), and mostly it’s individual standards of propriety that dictate what do and do not happen between people who claim to only have some kind of platonic bond.
but really, thinking about it: Eh sino ba yang nagsabing no gaying with friends na yan? asked Rissa and Tere, one random night in greenbelt after a particularly “boring” movie (hah).
Um well, I began. Me.
It’s not totally unfounded, by the way.
Case in point #1. Let’s have this guy. Let’s call him Bambi (because he’s always sporting this deer-caught-in-the-headlights look). Now, Bambi-boy has two best girl friends who are hot and complicated in their own unique ways. (And he’s just the luckiest boy because they all live under one roof. (for the win))
Anyway. Best girl friend one, for example, spent much of their first few years together as best friends pining for an older guy who later turned out to be a boss, and worse, married (to a very VERY hot woman).
So, Very Hot First Wife enters the scene, leaves BF#1 in shambles, and who does she turn to? Bambi-boy, who, somewhere in the middle of it all, realizes that WTF he’s practically in love with her, and THEN commences to sleep with her. of course it doesn’t go well; she even cries right after, and do you know how it feels like to have someone crying after sex? It’s horrible.
Anyway. After a series of life-changing circumstances — Bambi moves out, finds a girl, heals his hurt ego, moves back in; older-boy-boss divorces Very Hot Wife – Bambi and BF#1 manage to be friends again. Well, I say, what luck you have. Some people never recover from that.
Anyway. Bambi finds a girl who’s crazy about him and marries her. Happily ever after? Nuh-uh. That’s where BF#2 comes in.
What happens between them is something very classic: Fresh from a marital problem, Bambi-boy confronts BF#2 because he doesn’t understand why BF#2 can’t accept his wife; they get into a fight, get drunk, and then all of a sudden, they’re looking at each other as if they’re seeing each other in a certain light for the very first time, and guess what happens next? Of course, the logical thing is that they black out and proceed to have sex.
It’s all heartbreaking, the way they’re both apologizing, and how BF#2 strips her bed of the sheets they had used the night before.
Imagine how jarring that is: Hating your best friend’s wife for some reason you don’t really realize until you’re too drunk to not have sex with him. And oh the morning after.
Decision: Nope, not a good idea to be sleeping with friends. Especially married ones.
Case in point #2. Of course we’re familiar with the whole friendship or foreplay question i had posed in a previous blog entry. Actually, for a good while, it was my perfect scenario: After a few years of being friends, I’ll realize, wtf, you’d been there along, why hadn’t I realized this before?
So they hook-up. Alice gets Dana out of an ill-advised wedding, they have a really frakking grand time as a very cute couple in season 2. things are fine untilllll.
Until Dana’s ex comes back and suddenly they’re having issues and Dana breaks up with her, and Alice, my poor Alice, turns into a prozac-popping psycho stalker of sorts. It was very difficult watching her not-cope, what with her Dana-shrine and life-size Dana prop (don’t ask) and all the barkada dinners that had to have only one of them to work smoothly. So? Dating within a circle of friends? Affects the entire circle of friends.
By way of summary: Decision: Not good to sleep with friends (not good to sleep with friends’ exes after their death, as well. because Alice hooked up with Dana’s ex after Dana died and it was all very dysfunctional, they should have another entry altogether.)
Case in point #3. And then we have those guy friends we’ve had since kindergarten. we steal their crayons and we break their pencils and after everything we’re still friends. we grow up together, get through summers together. we see them in their best of times and their worst of times, and then somewhere in the middle of high school, we realize we’re in love with them.
for their part, they proceed to ogle every other girl who’s not us. longer hair, shorter skirts, all that jazz. and then all we’re really good for is their homework. because all they have to do is show up at the door and wear that puppy-dog look and it’s OVER. there’s not even a fight, no coaxing even. stupid boys who remain as they were when we first met them eight years ago. we love them anyway, don’t we.
anyway. things go smoothly. we get our own adorable boyfriends who give us everything imaginable. and just when things are absolutely perfect, suddenly it’s prom, and he’s the first to see you in that dress (because hello, best friend) and it’s like, Why are you looking at me like that?
And when he asks, “Like what?” we say, “Like a girl.”
And then there’s a kiss, and it’s all very blurry after that, because hello, ‘boyfriended’ now and this definitely qualified as cheating. But it’s him and haven’t we been waiting all our pre-teen life for this? (hey, 8 years is a long time)
Of course, we get caught eventually. By both parties. Boyfriend is hurt but comes back anyway. Later on he strays himself, and it’s over, because when he comes back, we’ve shifted sides and now there’s a girl. (yes.)
As for best boy bud well, he’s still there. He gets married to a woman who’s part demon (and in this universe, this isn’t a metaphor), and we stand as the best man in a pretty dress because he won’t allow for a tux.
As for us - girlfriend eventually dies, we almost push the world into another apocalypse, but then, best boy bud holds us back, pieces us together. then we move on to other girls. we ditch men and don’t look back.
after all, after everything — xander’s still xander.
Decision, by way of wrapping up: Sometimes we make mistakes and it’s okay. Some people just get lucky.
three fandoms hence, i’m starting to think: is it really that ill-advised to hook-up with a friend? is it really correct for me to shut out all of my current connections just because that one time i gave one particular connection a chance, it didn’t work out very well?
hmmm. perhaps. or maybe it pays not to watch too much tv and not limit my options because of previous traumatic experiences.
because real life is much much different, we all know when it comes to being wrong, there’s always room for one more mistake, and much too often, what we’ve been looking for has always been just right there.