July 24, 2008

Ö

times like these, i wish i could:

smoke.
revert to stress tabs.
or both.
as you may have already figured out by now, i have a very addictive personality. that is, i seem to always have to have something to be addicted to, in, with ó just something. (and you know itís not prepositions.)

itís just thatÖ itís too tiring to have to get through stressful days without nicotine. or rice. or nicotine AND rice. but mostly just nicotine. sometimes really i just donít get it. the last time things were horrible, like, hair-tearing horrible, like, where is the rest of my time-horrible, it definitely wasnít within the past five months. therefore, the smoking was still there.

but iíve taken myself through 134 days. hay. i admit, having quit smoking thus far has somewhat boosted my confidence ó of the ďi can quit smoking = i can do anything!Ē-variety.

but sometimes you feel like you just have to hit someone, i guess. or kick something really hard. or run until something starts hurting. just something.

i feel like i havenít been doing anything else other than work these days. itís not like i donít have time for myself - wait, scratch that, because can you actually count sleeping and staring into space whenever iím not as work as Ďtime for myselfí? this is just not me. i canít even write anymore. the thing is, i live two blocks away. if youíre going to say something like itís impossible that i donít have time, iíd say the same thing ó this is utterly impossible.

but the thing is this - itís 10 p.m., an hour past my usual off, and iíd just finished half of what iím supposed to do for SIM. iím off my game, iím taking too long. and i am actually worried iíd have to be here for mondayís SONA. i miss futsal. and my good eyesight. and having time to write fiction.

i miss going home late ó but not because of work. i miss beer until morning and my wayward ways, to a degree. hah. videoke na nga lang.